Well there’s a sweeping statement in desperate need of some context.
Honestly, it’s been really tough recently, all of my innermost ‘horrors’ have surfaced, smack bang in the middle of what should be the best of times.
I’m sure this can’t just happen to me, so you’ll have to let me know… but just when the life you’ve longed for presents itself, why is it that your brain decides to rustle up some serious shit that you need to deal with?
I’m 45 now, I know what I want and who I want around me and I think I’ve pretty much got my life together.. until my old demons began to visit.
It seems to me that who we are represents the sum total of our experiences, both good and bad. Times you’ve decided to learn from and never repeat, other times that you’ve loved and now are on the regular, and those other experiences that you’d have hoped would have stayed in the crevices and never creep out again.
When I say ‘we are what we are’ it’s oh, so much more than that. The intricacies, the layers and the complexities of us, is truly what defines us. Being completely honest there are some memories I’d much prefer to forget, never mind their niggling their way into my early morning to interfere with how I’m feeling.
When every morning brings you a new level of anxiety, a revolving door of dread, and you’ve got to drag yourself up, give yourself a pep talk in the mirror and crack on… that’s when it’s too late guys!
I don’t think we truly get that. That its too late! That’s not your signal there… you’ve gone way past the turning, way down the road and now you’re officially in crisis.
Who actually stops at this point? Who doesn’t get out of bed? Who stays in there with the duvet pulled over their head and sleeps, because that’s where you really don’t have to think?
I’m the one that gets up and gets on with the day, because I don’t allow myself to stop. I don’t think I can stop. I’m rigged in such a way that I’ll always be where I say I’ll be, and I’ll always go to work. Work is a distraction, a place to consume me so my unattended brain doesn’t feed me my own anxieties. But I feel bitter that I can’t just stay at home. Yes, bitter.
Until I find that work is the issue, the trigger, and my finger is well and truly on it! When work pressures result in the resurrection of all the things you thought were put to bed, it’s really hard to know where you can go and feel like you again.
We know it’s a phase, it won’t last… but in that moment you feel at a loss to know what to do next. Not only that, but the feeling of overwhelm and having no one to truly understand you invades and plagues your thoughts. Negative thoughts fuelling more negative thoughts.
Nope screw that, this isn’t me, this is ridiculous, I am not this person. I’ve gotta fix myself because no one else is going to do it!
Most of the time you have a choice, you can decide how you act, change and move forward. However, maybe some of us come to that thought process at a different speed to others. If you’re feeling low, you’re waking up overthinking and anxious, unable to relax, switch off or sleep, it’s time to talk.
If you don’t want to get out of bed, can’t face the day, not eating or sleeping… or in-fact not communicating but consuming your own thoughts, it’s time to reach out.
Enough now. Everything else really can wait whilst you sort yourself out. I know, you are convinced that if you stop your world will fall apart and it might. But what if you fall apart? You’re the only one that can fix that!
So it’s with an energised spirit I write this blog, because I took how I was feeling and I wrote it down. Not here, no one is ready for that, but I wrote it down and showed it to someone professional. Just doing that has massively helped.
You see, it’s one small step that leads on to the next small step that works. It’s lots of small acts of kindness and sharing that finally propels us in the right direction. It’s in the sharing of how we feel, that makes others who maybe silently be going through something similar reach out.
How powerful is a listening ear, a hug, or a nudge with some contact details? How about a story of someone else's success. Doesn’t that give you hope?
The fact is no one knows what going on in our heads, or what speaks behind the lipstick. Often the most happy and positive of people have been forced to live that way, being strong for everyone else. As a wearer of bright lipstick, and as a daughter that had to grow up very quickly, I can tell you that I’ve once again risen up, and I’m operating on my own frequency once again. Never again am I going to be that low for that long.
Thank you to everyone that has checked in on me, loved me, and to those that didn’t even know, you’ve made a difference too. If you’ve read my blog and found it helpful give it a like, a comment, or message me. I’d love to know, because that’s why I share all of this with you.
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